SEX: THE CANARY IN THE COAL MINE
“I’m not going to wait 90 days to have sex to only find out they’re bad in bed!”
This person is revealing their mindset about relationships– sex is the ultimate achievement in a relationship. The best part. The main reason for the relationship. The whole point. The key to true power. If the first sex is bad, it’s over. If the rush, the high, the adrenaline of having intercourse is the apex of power and proof positive that this union is legit, or even the reason for the union, and there isn’t a foundation to return to, the relationship is destined for confusion, power struggles, and subversive resentment.
With great sexual chemistry, but no solid emotional and spiritual foundation to stand on, people oftentimes, out of confusion and fear, either start a business together or introduce a child or children to fabricate a foundation from which to stand. Both are flimsy options. But it’s worth highlighting here, that when children are the main reason for being together, it puts way too much pressure on the children. Children are supposed to come into systems designed to take care of them, not the other way around.
So, if sex is the peak and best part of a relationship, and I’m not saying it isn’t a vital and beautiful component, it will soon act as a canary in a coal mine for the lack of solid foundation, and therefore, the health of the whole relationship.
Talking about how to have satisfying sex for both parties should be a part of the conversations prior to having sex the first time and continually thereafter. And if you don’t, canaries are going to die.
Hollywood, porn, and even fairytales have not revealed the reality of the role that conscious communication plays in having a badass, juicy sex life. They depict sex as either magically and immediately being smoking hot and deeply satisfying or lame and completely unsatisfying.
Chemistry and pheromones definitely play a part, but if they are the only part, true attachment can’t occur. The LipSync Dating Program is for people who believe sex is not merely a fun activity that magically happens due to chemistry or fate. But rather a safe and sacred act, an expression of intimacy, a deeply connected giving and receiving of love and pleasure, with this person exclusively.
What if the man is born with a micro-phallus defined as an abnormally small but normally structured penis? What if the woman has dyspareunia, defined as persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during, or after intercourse? Or vulvodynia, which refers to chronic pain that affects a woman’s external sexual organs. However, there is nothing divergent with their hearts, their hands, their mouths, their voices, their senses of humor, their minds, etc.
So instead of only asking, how hot, desired, and satisfied this person immediately makes me feel in the sack, ask:
How do I feel in their presence?
How often do I laugh?
Do they laugh with me?
How much do they remember about the people, stories, and events of my life that I share?
How do they treat the busboy or the parking lot attendant?
Notice not only how generous they are with their money, but also how generous they are with their time and hearts.
How often do they catch my eyes and truly see me?
How many times do they lovingly touch me when they pass me in the kitchen or when sitting beside me in the car?
When they ask about my day, do they follow up with more relevant questions or do they switch it back to themself?
Are they inspiring me and challenging me to grow?
Notice if they choose to tell me first, not second or third, both the good and hard things that happen in their day?
Can they simply abide with me during my failures and pain?
How often are they actively expressing happiness for my successes and joy?
If the answers to these questions are positive, then the chances are high that the foundation is there from which willingness springs to get creative in the sack so that both of you experience sex as an oasis, a replenishing, a transformation, a healing, an enrichment to each of your hearts and souls so that you can return to the world rejuvenated, fulfilled, and enlivened.